Many former athletes go into post-sport life genuinely wanting to try new things: a pottery class, a guitar, a rec league in a sport they never played. Something just for fun, with nothing riding on it. The first session usually goes fine. But somewhere along the way it stops being fun, and before long the guitar is in the closet.
As a former college athlete, I know this one firsthand. I recently took a pottery class that was supposed to be relaxing, and within minutes I heard that familiar inner voice: “I want to be good at this.” “I should already know how to do this.” My perfectionist part had followed me, long after my sport days.
If you’ve been searching for some version of why perfectionism ruins hobbies, or why you’re afraid to try things you might not be good at, you’re not alone. More often than not, it has less to do with the hobby itself and more to do with what being good at something has come to mean about your worth.
If you haven’t read my blog on athlete perfectionism or why small mistakes feel so hard for former athletes, I explore the roots of where this all starts. In this blog, I explore why perfectionism shows up in the things that are supposed to be fun, and how to change your relationship with it.
Key Takeaways for Former Athletes, From a Former Athlete and Therapist
Perfectionism often doesn’t ruin a hobby on the first day, when there’s more room for curiosity and an openness to not being the best. It tends to show up once a standard forms and we can see the gap between what we made and what we pictured. For many former athletes, sport reinforced the belief that improvement is the reason for doing something, and being good became tied to our self-worth. That’s why being bad at something new can feel like a threat, both in our thoughts and in our body. The goal isn’t to get rid of your competitive mindset or perfectionism. It’s to get curious, practice self-compassion, and reestablish your relationship with joy, fun, and play.
Why do hobbies stop being fun once you are no longer a total beginner?
When we’re a beginner at something, there can be a lot more room for curiosity, exploration, and an openness to not being the best. A complete novice has no reference point, which is what makes those first sessions feel genuinely low stakes.
But once we’ve had some practice and repetition, and we’ve worked at it a little bit, a standard starts to form. A few weeks in, there’s enough skill to notice the distance between what we made and what we were picturing. And noticing that distance is what can turn a hobby into an evaluation.
People describe this sequence pretty clearly when they write about it themselves. In online threads about perfectionism and hobbies, one person described not caring much about their skill level as a novice, because it made sense not to excel right away, and then noticing their perfectionist tendencies surface as they kept going. Another said the beginner phase felt refreshing specifically because they hadn’t set any standards for themselves yet. A third described wanting to be perfect from the very start and quitting within days when that didn’t happen.
For many former athletes, that third experience is especially familiar. We often show up with an almost instant expectation that we should be good at something right away, or even master it. It’s that same voice I heard in the pottery studio: “I should already know how to do this.”
Something that started as a place for joy and fun slowly becomes a place to succeed and excel.
Why do former athletes struggle with perfectionism in new hobbies?
For many former athletes who grew up in competitive sport, it was ingrained early that improvement and growth were a central part of the goal. As I shared in Part 1, perfectionism is often shaped first through our attachment and family dynamics. Sport culture then reinforces many of those patterns, beliefs, and behaviors around our training, growth, and development.
Sport also spent years teaching us that improvement is the reason for doing something. Practice existed to get better. Repetition existed to get better. And if you weren’t constantly trying to get better, you were wasting your time.
That framework can work well in competitive sport for some, but it can often make simply picking up a hobby for enjoyment difficult. The patterns we learned in sport don’t stay in sport. They impact how we show up to almost everything else in life. So even with something as simple as a hobby, many of us are still carrying that underlying conditioning: if you’re going to do something, you’re going to do it really well, and you’re going to try to be the best at it, because that’s the standard we learned.
Many former college athletes also started their sport journey very young. Being a beginner at age 5 or 6 is drastically different than being a beginner at 25 or 45. Many of us don’t remember the intricate details of being a beginner from our youth, and we certainly didn’t experience it with an adult’s self-awareness and a room full of other adults watching.
The last time we were genuinely at the bottom of a skill, we were too young to have much of an opinion about it. So the first real experience of being an adult beginner might arrive at thirty-two in a pottery studio, and it can feel exposing rather than ordinary.
That’s part of why it can be so hard for us to simply enjoy the process of being a beginner: not being very good at things, trying things, exploring things, without the pressure and expectation to be the best. That underlying belief system is constantly running in the background, and it keeps getting reinforced, because so much of it is tied to how we see ourselves and our self-worth
What are common signs perfectionism is ruining a new hobby?
Frequent signs that the perfectionist part is showing up include researching extensively before ever starting, quitting within days or weeks, comparing early attempts to people who have done it for a decade, refusing to do it where anyone can see, and turning the activity into a structured practice plan with goals attached to it.
In my experience, many of these signs tend to go in one of two directions: obsession or avoidance. Some of us throw ourselves into getting good as fast as possible. Others pull back, or stop altogether, before anyone has a chance to see us struggle. A few other signs show up regularly. Buying expensive equipment before the first attempt is common. Somehow it just feels like having better gear, the kind a professional would use, can make you feel less exposed. I’ve even heard former athletes say, “If I buy serious equipment, I’ll practice more and get better at it.”
Another sign is not wanting to engage or participate with others just for fun, out of fear of being bad or being judged. So you practice alone until you feel like you’re up to standard.
Underneath many of these behaviors, there’s often anxiety, fear, shame, self-judgment, and a relentless inner critic. And maybe most noticeably, there’s a lack of joy in something that was supposed to be fun.
The former athletes I work with often say things like:
“I hate being bad at things.”
“If I’m not going to be good at it, then I’m wasting my time. What’s the point?”
As a somatic-based therapist, when I work with clients and we start to peel back the layers of what’s happening in these moments, it’s often a very sympathetic-driven experience. The perfectionist part is a protective response, and what we’re seeing is the threat system mobilizing. There tends to be a lot of tension, tightness, and activation in the body. Many clients describe feeling the frustration, fear, anger, or anxiety very much in their body. The signs aren’t only the tangible behaviors. They show up in our emotions, our thoughts, and our body too.
Is fear of being bad at something a sign of perfectionism?
For many former athletes, yes. Perfectionism isn’t the same as having high standards. Hill and colleagues (2018) found that it’s the fear of mistakes and the worry about being judged that tend to impact our motivation and wellbeing, not the high standards themselves. Avoiding things we might be bad at often comes from that same fear.
I want to be clear that high standards aren’t the problem. Many former athletes hear any conversation about perfectionism as a request to care less, and understandably, they don’t want to do that. You can hold high standards at work and still be completely free to be terrible at watercolor.
What makes being bad at something feel so hard is when our worth becomes attached to being good. Crocker and Wolfe (2001) described this as contingencies of self-worth, meaning the things our self-esteem depends on. When our worth depends on being good at things, being bad at something no longer feels neutral. It starts to feel like a threat.
And for many of us, that connection started long before we ever picked up a new hobby, first through our families and then through sport. So the fear makes sense given where it came from. It’s not evidence that something is wrong with you.
How do you stop perfectionism from ruining a new hobby?
For many former athletes, the answer isn’t to get rid of your competitive mindset or your perfectionism. You probably wont. The competitive mindset isn’t the problem, and there’s nothing wrong with picking up a new hobby and wanting to get good at it. It’s more about getting curious about the perfectionist part and learning to shift the relationship you have with it.
This often means doing the deeper work around how perfectionism and being “good” have been tied to your self-worth. For many of us, that connection was formed over years, through our families and then through sport, so untangling it takes time. It’s often a continuous journey rather than something we fix once.
It’s also about learning to work with the perfectionist part in real time. The critical voice will probably still show up, and arguing with it often doesn’t work very well. This part is protective, and it doesn’t know the pottery class isn’t a game. So the practice becomes learning to catch it in the moment, whether that’s tension in your body or what you’re saying to yourself, and getting curious about what it thinks it’s protecting you from. For me, that meant noticing the drive to be really good and to perfect things as it showed up in pottery class, and learning to talk to that part with some compassion.
I want to be clear that self-compassion doesn’t mean lowering your standards. Research across self-compassion studies associates it with less anxiety and depression, better long-term motivation, and greater resilience (Germer & Neff, 2019). Being kind to ourselves while we’re bad at something isn’t just the more comfortable approach. It’s often the more effective one.
What does it look like to stay a beginner on purpose?
Post-sport life is often the first real chance former athletes get to try things with nothing riding on the outcome. Nobody is assigning playing time based on how your bowl turns out. That can feel disorienting at first, and it can also be the opening.
In many ways, staying a beginner on purpose is about reestablishing your relationship with joy, fun, and play. I write more about this in my blog on why joy, fun and play can be so hard for former athletes. One thing I ask clients to do is name the purpose out loud before they start, and to make that purpose anything other than getting good. Doing it because it’s interesting counts. Doing it because it gets you out of the house counts. For many former athletes, the real value is in doing something with no standard attached, and discovering that nothing bad happens as a result.
What changes tends to be smaller than many of us hope for, and it takes practice.
Your worth and your lovability were never actually tied to how good you are at anything, even though years in sport may have taught you the opposite. You can completely suck at something and still be enough. That’s much easier to read than it is to feel, which is why it takes practice, not just convincing ourselves.
Being bad at something is allowed to be the whole point
If every hobby you start ends the same way, that pattern has a history behind it and it responds well to being worked with directly. Individual therapy at Perrin Wellness and Performance works with perfectionism, self-criticism, and the conditioning sport tends to leave behind. You can book a free 15-minute consultation which is a conversation to figure out whether this feels like a fit rather than a sales call. If it helps to know who you would be talking to, you can read more about my background.
I offer telehealth therapy for current and former athletes in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does perfectionism ruin hobbies?
Because a standard forms once you are no longer a complete beginner, and that standard turns the activity into something you can fail at. The first session tends to be genuinely enjoyable since there is no reference point yet. The trouble arrives around the point where you can see the difference between your result and what you were picturing.
Why am I afraid to try new things I might not be good at?
Fear of being bad at something usually reflects worth that got tied to competence somewhere early on. Crocker and Wolfe (2001) described how self-esteem staked on performing well in a specific area rises and falls with results in that area. For former athletes, years of evaluation and comparison tend to reinforce whatever was already there.
How do I enjoy a hobby without being good at it?
Decide what the activity is for before you start, and make it something other than improvement. Choosing something you have no aptitude for, doing it in front of someone, keeping your early attempts, and refusing to track progress all help. Expect discomfort at first, since the discomfort is the pattern showing up rather than a sign it is not working.
Is fear of being bad at something a form of perfectionism?
Often, yes. Research separates perfectionistic strivings, meaning high standards a person works toward, from perfectionistic concerns, meaning fear of mistakes and worry about judgment (Hill et al., 2018). Avoiding things you might be bad at falls into the second group, which is the one more consistently linked to worse motivation and wellbeing.
Is perfectionism a trait of ADHD or autism?
Perfectionism is not a diagnostic feature of either, and it does co-occur with both, along with anxiety disorders and OCD. It also shows up in plenty of people with no diagnosis at all. Whether any of that applies to you is a question for an assessment with a qualified clinician rather than something to sort out from an article.
Which mental health services specialize in helping athletes with perfectionism?
Look for a licensed clinical therapist with training in both perfectionism or anxiety treatment and real familiarity with sport culture, since those are separate qualifications. A sport psychology professional may fit better when the goal is primarily mental performance. When the pattern involves strong physical reactions, look for someone trained in somatic or nervous system work rather than talk-based approaches alone.
About the Author
Emily Perrin, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, former Division I soccer player, and former Division I coach. She works with current and former athletes who are dealing with anxiety, burnout, perfectionism, identity loss, and the emotional weight that can come with years in competitive sports.
Having spent nearly 15 years in athletics, Emily understands the pressure athletes often feel to keep going, stay disciplined, and look like they have it handled, even when they are struggling. Her work combines clinical training with lived experience in sport.
Emily's approach is trauma-informed and body-centered. She helps clients make sense of patterns like emotional shutdown, overthinking, people-pleasing, chronic stress, and harsh self-criticism. Her goal is to help athletes feel more grounded in who they are outside of performance, achievement, and sport.
She has supported athletes, coaches, teams, therapists, and sports organizations, including Division I programs and professional teams.
This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment.
References
Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.108.3.593
Germer, C., & Neff, K. (2019). Teaching the mindful self-compassion program: A guide for professionals. Guilford Press.
Hill, A. P., Mallinson-Howard, S. H., & Jowett, G. E. (2018). Multidimensional perfectionism in sport: A meta-analytical review. Sport, Exercise, and Performance Psychology, 7(3), 235–270.
Meyer, A., & Wissemann, K. (2020). Controlling parenting and perfectionism is associated with an increased error-related negativity (ERN) in young adults. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 15(1), 87–95. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsaa018